Lingering to Nothingness
by AlFlowerrise
Summary: "I don't trust you", he says but when he see those eyes everything starts from the beginning again - Falkner/Morty, shonenai


**Lingering to nothingness**

(you must understand that I can't trust you anymore, only because you will never _ever_ allow me to)

N/A: Honorshipping - Falkner/Morty

"Don't go." The words flow in a harsh (almost desperate) manner into Morty's ears and he tries to remain calm, remain himself (remain solid) because the opposite isn't necessary, it just doesn't lead anywhere. He tried that once and it didn't work. The path of completely _give up_, just leave everything and focus only on himself seems alluring (he wants it), almost too alluring but he knows that he tried that before and it_ just _didn't work, no, it just turned out to be a dud, he picked the wrong train and found himself in the middle of nowhere when it stopped. He doesn't understand Falkner, that's the dilemma, because he's so manipulating (and has sharp eyes that drill through skin and bone, like arrows) and so insecure that he just doesn't know the right and wrong, positive and negative aspects of _any _decision he's making. And Morty _wants _to be there for him, wants to be the ground he can stand on (no matter what) but he isn't sure that he can.

Falkner is like a bird, he leaves, flies (and plunges.) And he thought that he was the one that was going to catch him when his wings broke (but he understands that not even he can do it.)

"Please." The pleading, Morty tries to cut his ears because he doesn't want to hear it, _can't _hear it, it's too close and it is just too easy for him to grab Falkner's arms and let him in. Too easy. And when he looks like that, with big, open portals that drag him in, makes him stiff, mute (and so confused) he doesn't think he can resist. Like he couldn't back then. It looks like that. He can't resist those eyes, that face, that hair… he can't resist anything with him because he's just that damn perfect, he looks perfect (but that doesn't matter in the long run because he can't handle the perfect chimera of an in reality broken person with wings that doesn't even exist.) He remembers the time, the rejection, because he didn't want to play with his _honor_, he was a priest, a valuable member of the Sprout Tower, he gives his life for Pokémon and doesn't let anything (love) come in his way to reach the sky, the top of his dreams.

The thing is though, that his dreams don't exist (only in his mind where they're only pulling him under the ground.)

Falkner pulls his purple scarf, solid grip; his mouth is thin as a line, it's impossible to read him. Morty signs deeply, tries to avoid the other one's gaze and thinks about the situation once again. Write and rewrite his hopes (but to his dismay there is only one ending he believes in.) Another ending just isn't possible, not with these qualifications, he can try stringing up something different in his mind but when the thought transforms into reality it will change, it doesn't matter and it will never matter. He can wince, he can cry (he never does that though, because there aren't any more tears to spill – he's dry and he hates himself for that), he can drown in those eyes, melt at that smile, he may want to grab those pale, frail hands and drag him to the world that lies far from this one and close to Neverland, but he can't. When he notices the snow that's dancing down the almost white sky in shape of snowflakes, landing on the hill, of the sharp, well-marked cheek of the perfect face he just wants and loves, he understands that even though Falkner is perfect, pristine and wonderful in many ways (because he is) it doesn't matter, he doesn't see it himself and instead of learning from his mistakes, he just repeats them because he _doesn't want _to understand that there is some points in the terror called life that are unsolvable even for him. He can't be right on everything and no one expects him to be otherwise. No one but him himself. He's the same as his bird Pokémon, the same simple way that's so easy to recognize but so hard to handle. Uses simple, straight methods to reach were he wants and snaps, argues, pushes anyone into the hole just to avoid pain, avoid being deceived, because he (falsely) believes that's the way you _have _to take if you want to get through life without scars. But he's wrong, Falkner is _so _wrong, life never works like that, you can't avoid pain because it comes, strikes and _kills _anywhere; a lethal string that cuts off and you fall to the ground, under the ground and there is no way to escape the obvious, escape the lions that feed on your fear of failing. Failing with your life, failing with everything. And Falkner doesn't want to change his mind and that's the reason why this is doomed; why Morty can't sink in the gray waters of his spheres, why he can't wrap his purple scarf around his pale neck and prevent him from the chilling snow that's eating, gnawing, because he's too reckless to suit up for the snow; why he can't return a smile of his own, why he can't believe that it he just isn't a ventilator for him to puke on, why the words _Don't go _don't mean anything. It's just words. There isn't anything with them. He _wants _too, oh, he wants, urges, because everything with him is so vulnerable; he wants to be strong but he's weak, and Morty can't protect him.

(He puts his heart on the monitor, showing it, feels, but in the end Falkner is going to kill it. And it'll never be worth it.)

"I have to go", he whispers in his scarf, avoiding Falkner's glance, tries to move on in the snow (leaving trances in the snow, trances that will survive even when spring arrives) but his grip remains firm. He stops. Turns around (and finds that he can't avoid the gemstones.) Falkner looks up, his one visible eye round and innocent, most like children's eyes when life aren't turning their way, and Morty knows that he's doing this on purpose, knows that Falkner knows that this is his weakness and he hates him for using it unseeingly, like he doesn't understand that this is worse than knife drilling into his spine.

"No", he says while he licks his lips, his pale fingers still not releasing the scarf. The _No _is stiff, stuck to the ground and the worst is that Morty finally understands that maybe, just _maybe_, Falkner has changed (in one aspect.) But that doesn't matter because it's too late. It's too late to do anything now.

(And nothing will _ever _change. If only this was five years ago, before he understood the aspect of broken hearts and promises unfulfilled.)

Then the expected upcoming arrives, with hopefully eyes and (a terminally heart.) "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I want you."

The tone is so pleading, those eyes are so pleading, _everything _is just so _damn _pleading and it's just so sad that it isn't real. And Morty doesn't want to hurt him. Ironically, he thinks while putting his hands into his pocket, Falkner hurt (almost killed him emotionally) him and he still feels like the criminal, even when he isn't to blame. Isn't he always like that, putting trust into anybody he lays his eyes on and it always ends with broken promise. He trusts too much, he understands, wrapping a blonde strand of hair around his finger just to increase the thought-time. He's suppose to react on Falkner's words but he doesn't know how–

– Because he wants him, he always wants him, but that's just fairytales and he knows that fairytales don't exist in the reality where honor and rules is obstacles for something true and passionate.

He shuts his eyes, this is gnawing on him, he wants to forget and move on but that sounds easier than it is. "You say that now. But later, will it be the same?" He knows that this is hurting him but he _has _to say it, has to state that this is impossible. Love is wonderful, consuming and absolutely dreadful, when it's one-sided or if it looks like this.

His eyes get bigger, more sparkly and Morty knows that soon it's too late, he's going to fall in the mud _again_ and he hates himself because one part of him wants to ignore everything and just take the flying-type Trainer back but he _knows _that it's wrong, _knows _that it will probably be the same as before – because in reality, nothing has change, it looks the same and will always be the same.

"I promise", Falkner pleads now and he wants to believe him, wants the words to be true and bottled from the inside where lies rot and die. He looks at him, _why is he so beautiful?_ and wonders if it is meaningless to struggle, meaningless to draw a line because it always, _always_, ends like this anyway, despite his effort, despite everything. It is a very sad thought. "I was wrong. I mean it, I… I need you."

And the past scrolls by like a train that runs through the stops.

"_No! Stop! Stay away from me! You can't do this!" The voice angry, too angry and Morty leaps back, realizing Falkner's pale arms and his heart picks like a bird in a too small cage. He didn't expect this, everything Falkner did beforehand, from the smiles and words, was a lie. He broke the castle, tower, and Morty has to play with the pieces. Pieces that don't lead anywhere, pieces that reminds him that Falkner doesn't want him, because his honor, fear stands in the way. _

_And Morty isn't worth it. He's never worth it. That's why this is impossible._

"You said that in the past", he murmurs, the words leaves even though he wants to turn back time, but he _has _to, both for him and Falkner. "But nothing has changed. You will still take your job and honor before me, and that's okay, I only want the best for you. You should to what you want. Listen; it's okay."

But it isn't okay. It will never be okay. Because he loves him and Falkner doesn't want him to go. And that the only opportunity for Morty to put a stroke over this; a period of time (with tears and sorrow) that now seems to be up for a repeat. Tears foam in Falkner's eyes and Morty stiffs, his hand clenched hard –

And realizes that he can't leave him like this. But he still can't forget. It's a big _nono_, whatever he does but those tears just have that affect on him, he stares, drowns and consumes by everything, every memory and painful fragment that he stands for.

"Morty… I'm sorry… I will never do that again. Believe me. I will give up anything. I was wrong. I can never take it back, but I swear, this isn't the same. I don't want you do go. Please, don't go."

_Please. Don't. Go_. The soft (but still so desperate) voice, those pleading eyes, the steady grip on his scarf – Morty now realizes that he has a choice. Take or leave.

Believe or disbelieve.

And the worst thing is that he grabs Falkner's arms and slowly drags him into a tight embrace; his tears still pouring down, but still he isn't sure that everything is fine. Falkner is like that; you never know.

But somehow, Morty can't leave him.

"_Stop being around me. I don't want you. You don't understand me. I make mistake. I always make mistakes! You know that! But you never react. Never say something. I don't want that. Please, just leave me alone…"_

"_I can't…"_

"_You can", he repeats, now with a shivering chin._

But the truth is; no. He can't. He never could.

And maybe, just _maybe_, Falkner has understood it all along. That why he did this.

And despite the sound of the conclusion; it feels okay.

* * *

N/A: Nah. Not very good. But I like this couple and I want to publish this because the couple is awesome! And if you read this and reviews; I will be so happy! I'm sorry if it is confusing, I wrote it today, rushed it. If it is some grammar mistakes or something, tell me about it and I will fix it as soon as possible.


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